Mean

I'm confused, unsure..and I'm thoroughly LOST. In other words, I'm a teenager !

Yesterday..on the phone, I heard and was a minute part of an entire "scandalous deal" which was supposed to be amusing..entertaining even, for us who were the ones on the better and more favourable end. It was something like a prank - but a prank that pulled at the strings of emotions. Immature emotions, maybe - but they were "emotions" at the end of the day.

I laughed. I enjoyed. I thought it was fun - how it was meant to be.

Then..it struck me that it's just "us" who thought it was fun - what about the person we pulled the trick on ? Was it fair to embarrass her and all but make fun of her..that too in front of her ?

It was mean. Very, very mean. If I were in her place...I tremble to think how I would have reacted. It wouldn't be pretty, it couldn't be. Mean.

And..worst part, I laughed.

I have always hated anybody who hurts, not just me but, anybody at all. Today, I did that. Had I not been a part of it, it would have still happened. Because I cannot change people. But, the point is that I was there.......

I feel like scum. I hate hurting people. I hate insulting emotions.

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I shall never openly apologize but...the feeling of regret is borne in my heart.

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I can't believe I could be that mean.

Fuck this. Fuck that. And fuck YOU for your beautiful smile!!

Something fell into my eye...

"I'm not crying, Something fell into my eye..."

There are times when I mumble that to myself and wish I could believe in that too. It's a lie. Each time I say "I'm okay", I'm lying!!!!! Why don't people get that ??

I have no words to say how I feel now...ICSE ended today - no doubt, I'm relieved AND I had a tiring but awesome day with my best friend Paroma and both our mothers (I even got Spongebob ear rings !), the cl.11 lists got put up and 15 people got Science from my section (lol), but...since yesterday I have this really gnawing feeling inside of me, chewing at my very being. Some times I can feel the tears coming, but..I stop them. I'm not going to cry. I'm NOT.

I would love to say that I have no idea why I'm feeling this way and blame it on the hormones (as I tend to do) but, this time, it's for REAL. I've my reasons. Maybe not huge reasons but..that's the cause, definitely. It's how it only takes a spark to get a fire going - that little bit of ignorance set a fire ablaze within me..and it's charring me, burning me.

Maybe I can do something about the cause..but I won't - I'm fear of setting the spark off. The fire may be hurting me, but I love the spark that started it ! Strange thing, love is, is it not ?